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Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Update on my back
There are times in life when you think a trial you are going through may never end and my back injury was one of those moments for me. This has been such a long, hard road in which my body and mind were pushed to new levels of endurance I never knew I had in me. When we went to my follow up appointment last Monday the surgeon told us that he has been doing this for 15 years and he has never said "wow" about an injury until he opened me up and saw mine.... His exact words were "this is one tough chick"..... While not wanting to even think about that level of pain ever again I did feel a sense of justification when he said that mine was the worst rupture he had seen and here I was walking around with it for three weeks. He noted that most people would have checked themselves into a hospital within days or even hours of that type of pain. Now reality is, I probably should have checked myself into the hospital but I didn't and in the end I believe I only gained from the experience. I gained confidence in myself to not quit and not give in and push through until a resolution comes. Even once the surgery was decided on I still had to wait SIX more LONG EXCRUCIATING days. In those days leading up to the surgery I grew as a person. I pushed through pain I never knew I could endure. I grew in my relationship with Jimmy as he became a rock for me when there was nothing to do but cry in his arms at 3:00 am. I grew in my relationship with God as He answered my prayers and allowed me to continue to nurse my sweet boy through all of this!
I think sometimes trials can make us or break us. I don't handle trials well. I get angry... Angry at whoever I think caused the problem that led to the trial, and admittedly angry at God for allowing such a trial. In the end when the trial is over and you look back you realize there was nothing to be gained through all that anger you felt was so appropriate in the midst of the trial. I determined a while back that the next time a trial came my way I would handle it with grace and dignity knowing that in the end I would only grow stronger through the experience. While also knowing that I would not have to be ashamed or embarrassed or have regrets over handling the trial with anger and immaturity, possibly saying or doing things I don't mean.
This trial did not get the best of me... I am excited about this! Anger did not rule me!! I can't say I handled it all perfect... I did have some moments of self pity... Which is incredibly unbecoming to any lady but I am working on that! I don't want to sit around and feel sorry for myself and I certainly don't want to teach my kiddos that! But I can say that joy and peace prevailed in my heart through all of this. God gives us peace even in the midst of our trials ... Just ask Him for it!
As far as my physical recovery goes... I am doing better everyday. I still spend most of my day on my back BUT I am not in pain and I can walk around within reason. I road in the car to Sonic this weekend and I helped the children make their Easter cupcakes and dye their Easter eggs! I will be able to carry Rivers again in three weeks and when that day comes my life will be able to resume as normal for the first time in two and a half months... Yay!!!
Still looking at the ceiling a lot but glad to be healing... Everyday of being still and resting gets me one step closer to fully restored health .... Chasing my children around, doing my own laundry, cooking meals and being full time wife and momma again... So in the end, it is all worth it!!
I don't ever want to relive it but at the end of the day it has brought a whole new way to look at life and strength I never knew I had! These are those moments in life that you know change you forever!
I think sometimes trials can make us or break us. I don't handle trials well. I get angry... Angry at whoever I think caused the problem that led to the trial, and admittedly angry at God for allowing such a trial. In the end when the trial is over and you look back you realize there was nothing to be gained through all that anger you felt was so appropriate in the midst of the trial. I determined a while back that the next time a trial came my way I would handle it with grace and dignity knowing that in the end I would only grow stronger through the experience. While also knowing that I would not have to be ashamed or embarrassed or have regrets over handling the trial with anger and immaturity, possibly saying or doing things I don't mean.
This trial did not get the best of me... I am excited about this! Anger did not rule me!! I can't say I handled it all perfect... I did have some moments of self pity... Which is incredibly unbecoming to any lady but I am working on that! I don't want to sit around and feel sorry for myself and I certainly don't want to teach my kiddos that! But I can say that joy and peace prevailed in my heart through all of this. God gives us peace even in the midst of our trials ... Just ask Him for it!
As far as my physical recovery goes... I am doing better everyday. I still spend most of my day on my back BUT I am not in pain and I can walk around within reason. I road in the car to Sonic this weekend and I helped the children make their Easter cupcakes and dye their Easter eggs! I will be able to carry Rivers again in three weeks and when that day comes my life will be able to resume as normal for the first time in two and a half months... Yay!!!
Still looking at the ceiling a lot but glad to be healing... Everyday of being still and resting gets me one step closer to fully restored health .... Chasing my children around, doing my own laundry, cooking meals and being full time wife and momma again... So in the end, it is all worth it!!
I don't ever want to relive it but at the end of the day it has brought a whole new way to look at life and strength I never knew I had! These are those moments in life that you know change you forever!
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Saturday, April 23, 2011
Making the annual Easter cupcakes
Happy Easter!
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Friday, April 22, 2011
Sand box Friday
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Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A cheesy 80's love song
Ok, despite the sappy cheesy factor of this I am going to publish this post simply because I love my husband I don't really care what anyone thinks about the way in which I express it! =)
Yesterday as I was getting ready to go to my first follow up appointment since my surgery, I was listening to a local station that plays lots of old 80's music and the first song that came on was Chicago's "You're The Inspiration". Ok, I haven't heard this song since I was single, 7 1/2 years ago. I remember hearing this song and others like it when I was single and thinking "it would be nice to find the kind of love that would make a song like that really have some meaning". I fairly seriously dated two other guys before Jimmy and whenever I heard a "love" song on the radio when I was dating them I would think "I am sure I am supposed to feel some sort of love like that for _____, but I don't"..... I guess that is why in the end it never worked out with those other guys because in the end there was not real lasting love for those people. Ok, no love at all, ever really.
Enter Jimmy, from the very first time we hung out I was smitten with him. He was polite and unassuming. He wasn't intimidated by me and didn't try too hard to cater to my every whim (every guy up to this point that I had been around either was intimidated by me or would work way to hard to impress me by trying to give me everything I wanted and I HATED that). Jimmy was different, he was just himself. Confident and kind, REAL! I LOVED that about him. He had no pretenses and was comfortable being who he was. He didn't feel the need to impress me, and in turn, he impressed me.
I will never forget one weekend, sitting with him and talking... I was looking at him and suddenly it hit my like a ton of bricks, "this is it, I am never going to find another man this wonderful, ever".... I guess that afternoon sealed the deal for me. Sure am glad he felt the same!! =)
Now here I am listening to this song and suddenly I am REALLY hearing the words and thinking... WOW, this cheesy 80's song couldn't have better described our love. Cheesy, sappy, call it what you will, I don't care!
Love you JZ, I know it won't be hard for you to picture me singing this with an "air microphone".... (soo glad you love me even though I can be such a nerd)
Chicago, "You're The Inspiration"
You know our love was meant to be
the kind of love that lasts forever
And I want you here with me
from tonight until the end of time.
You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
in my soul..baby
You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
And I know, yes I know that it's plain to see
So in love when we're together.
Now I know that I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time.
You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind you're in my heart in my soul.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
When you love somebody 'til the end of time
Yesterday as I was getting ready to go to my first follow up appointment since my surgery, I was listening to a local station that plays lots of old 80's music and the first song that came on was Chicago's "You're The Inspiration". Ok, I haven't heard this song since I was single, 7 1/2 years ago. I remember hearing this song and others like it when I was single and thinking "it would be nice to find the kind of love that would make a song like that really have some meaning". I fairly seriously dated two other guys before Jimmy and whenever I heard a "love" song on the radio when I was dating them I would think "I am sure I am supposed to feel some sort of love like that for _____, but I don't"..... I guess that is why in the end it never worked out with those other guys because in the end there was not real lasting love for those people. Ok, no love at all, ever really.
Enter Jimmy, from the very first time we hung out I was smitten with him. He was polite and unassuming. He wasn't intimidated by me and didn't try too hard to cater to my every whim (every guy up to this point that I had been around either was intimidated by me or would work way to hard to impress me by trying to give me everything I wanted and I HATED that). Jimmy was different, he was just himself. Confident and kind, REAL! I LOVED that about him. He had no pretenses and was comfortable being who he was. He didn't feel the need to impress me, and in turn, he impressed me.
I will never forget one weekend, sitting with him and talking... I was looking at him and suddenly it hit my like a ton of bricks, "this is it, I am never going to find another man this wonderful, ever".... I guess that afternoon sealed the deal for me. Sure am glad he felt the same!! =)
Now here I am listening to this song and suddenly I am REALLY hearing the words and thinking... WOW, this cheesy 80's song couldn't have better described our love. Cheesy, sappy, call it what you will, I don't care!
Love you JZ, I know it won't be hard for you to picture me singing this with an "air microphone".... (soo glad you love me even though I can be such a nerd)
Chicago, "You're The Inspiration"
You know our love was meant to be
the kind of love that lasts forever
And I want you here with me
from tonight until the end of time.
You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
in my soul..baby
You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
And I know, yes I know that it's plain to see
So in love when we're together.
Now I know that I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time.
You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind you're in my heart in my soul.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
When you love somebody 'til the end of time
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
A gift from my Serene
She ran all the way from the "back 40" (this is what we call the very back of our 2 acres) and all the way up the big hill. She said and I quote "this gonna make you back feel better".
Ironically, it reminds me of a palm branch and this being Palm Sunday I find that only appropriate.
Yes, precious girl, it is going to make my back feel better!!
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Thursday, April 14, 2011
Perspective
It has taken 3 weeks in a wheelchair and now 10 days flat on my back to gain some perspective.....
Today Anna came in and laid down on the bed with me and started holding my hand. She told me her tummy kind of hurt so we just laid here together for a while and rested. Finally, I started asking her about all the things she wanted to do when mommy got better and as I was asking her I kind of teared up.... ok, I don't cry that often. The only person I really cry to is Jimmy but I try not to show too much sadness to the children about things because I don't want to ever over worry them or cause them to have to process too much emotionally at their young ages. So through this whole back ordeal I have constantly kept a smile to them even when sometimes just seconds before I might have been crying my eyes out to Jimmy. Again, not wanting them to feel disturbed about this whole situation with mommy. No need for undo stress and worry on the part of little ones all 6 and under.
So anyway, Anna sees this tear in my eye and points to my eye and says "what's that?". "Is that a a a..." and I say "tear" and she just kind of looks at me with this strange face. I began to explain that mommy was just a little sad from missing playing with my kiddos all day and doing all the fun things that WE do! She reached over and hugged me and said "we will be doing those things again in no time mommy"!!!
I am soo grateful for flexible children who go with the flow, enjoy life and just take things as they come. They have all done so well through all of this and are just enjoying every day life!
I can't wait to be up and running again, taking on my daily routine again... but for now I am going to enjoy the chance to rest and relax... not too many times ever is a momma of four little ones gonna get to just relax, play on the computer, read and watch TV.... or better yet, take a nap.... and NOT feel one bit guilty about it! :)
It's all in your perspective!
Today Anna came in and laid down on the bed with me and started holding my hand. She told me her tummy kind of hurt so we just laid here together for a while and rested. Finally, I started asking her about all the things she wanted to do when mommy got better and as I was asking her I kind of teared up.... ok, I don't cry that often. The only person I really cry to is Jimmy but I try not to show too much sadness to the children about things because I don't want to ever over worry them or cause them to have to process too much emotionally at their young ages. So through this whole back ordeal I have constantly kept a smile to them even when sometimes just seconds before I might have been crying my eyes out to Jimmy. Again, not wanting them to feel disturbed about this whole situation with mommy. No need for undo stress and worry on the part of little ones all 6 and under.
So anyway, Anna sees this tear in my eye and points to my eye and says "what's that?". "Is that a a a..." and I say "tear" and she just kind of looks at me with this strange face. I began to explain that mommy was just a little sad from missing playing with my kiddos all day and doing all the fun things that WE do! She reached over and hugged me and said "we will be doing those things again in no time mommy"!!!
I am soo grateful for flexible children who go with the flow, enjoy life and just take things as they come. They have all done so well through all of this and are just enjoying every day life!
I can't wait to be up and running again, taking on my daily routine again... but for now I am going to enjoy the chance to rest and relax... not too many times ever is a momma of four little ones gonna get to just relax, play on the computer, read and watch TV.... or better yet, take a nap.... and NOT feel one bit guilty about it! :)
It's all in your perspective!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Enough of the sad blog posts...
I had this thought while flat on my back here at 2:41 in the morning.... Why not use this time I feel so down myself to encourage others. I have always known that doing good for others gets your focus off you... Which is just what I need right now. So if it takes me the next 5 weeks of this recovery I plan to make sure everyone I can possibly think of gets an encouraging note or email. This should take me some time so I am thinking I just found a way to stop being bored!
By the way, I can't say enough thank you's to those of you who have sent me emails, cards and texts during this time... You have NO idea how much that brightens my day! I have some of the sweetest friends and family EVER!
Blessings to you all!!
By the way, I can't say enough thank you's to those of you who have sent me emails, cards and texts during this time... You have NO idea how much that brightens my day! I have some of the sweetest friends and family EVER!
Blessings to you all!!
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Monday, April 11, 2011
Making my day
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A season I will not soon forget
Here I am, mid-morning of another day in bed. Remembering what we used to do at 10:30 on a week day morning. I was involved with my children and we were busy about our morning routine. For the 4th straight week as of tomorrow, I am at the mercy of whoever is here helping me today. My children are being taken care of at some other place in the house by someone who is not me. My dinner wont be cooked by me. My laundry wont be done by me. I wont get my children ready for bed or tuck them in. I wont do anything but stair at the ceiling and have a bit of interaction as the children filter in and out thru the day to say hello or give me a picture they have made. Anna told me on Friday when Daddy was taking them to the park "mommy I sure can't wait til you can go to the park with us again"..... I cried like a baby when she left the room. I can't wait either and I am so sad to be missing their lives this spring.
One thing I know for sure.... I will never ever EVER take my roll as capable wife and mom for granted again. I will NEVEr again see laundry or dishes or house cleaning as drudgery. I will never again tell the children I would rather sit and watch instead of play chase when they ask. I will never again tell the children I need to do laundry instead of play. I will never again put housework over just sitting and reading or doing a craft or swinging or sliding or any other things I could be doing with my children.
I would give anything to get out of this bed today and exist in a healthy world with my children. I am resting and healing now so I can do those things again one day.... For now though this is not fun.
One thing I know for sure.... I will never ever EVER take my roll as capable wife and mom for granted again. I will NEVEr again see laundry or dishes or house cleaning as drudgery. I will never again tell the children I would rather sit and watch instead of play chase when they ask. I will never again tell the children I need to do laundry instead of play. I will never again put housework over just sitting and reading or doing a craft or swinging or sliding or any other things I could be doing with my children.
I would give anything to get out of this bed today and exist in a healthy world with my children. I am resting and healing now so I can do those things again one day.... For now though this is not fun.
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Saturday, April 9, 2011
After surgery blues
I am so entirely sick of being flat on my back in this bed. I know it is for my own good to rest and relax and let my back fully heal but I HATE it. I don't like being still and not being productive and not taking care of my family. This whole thing has stunk from the beginning and seems to be at it worst point right about now. The weather is gorgeous and my girls are playing at a friends house, my boys are playing outside with Daddy and I am trapped in bed. UGH!!!!
Please tell me this has just all been one big nightmare ....
Ok, maybe I will feel more positive tomorrow.
Maybe! :)
Please tell me this has just all been one big nightmare ....
Ok, maybe I will feel more positive tomorrow.
Maybe! :)
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Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I love Jimmy!!
I have already said this a thousand times but I just think it can be said enough.... Jimmy has been my rock through all of this. Today was a hard day as far as recovery goes. It turns out my ruptured discs were three times larger than they originally thought.... ok no wonder I was hurting so bad!! Anyway, my recovery will be a little harder than we initially thought because of the injury being so much worse. The doctor said my sciatic nerve was incredibly inflamed and that will take several days to go down.
Anyway, all that to say it has been a tough day. Hard to get out of bed... hard to get back in bed... hard to get comfortable ... hard to turn over... hard to do just about anything without a ton of pain. BUT, Jimmy has held me while I cried, pep talked me out of bed and pep talked me back into bed, called all my doctors to make my follow up appointments....he has loved me through this very rough day! I can't even begin to express how much I love and appreciate this man! I am so incredibly blessed. I could not have made it through any of this without him.
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Back surgery
Back surgery complete
Sciatic pain GONE
Sore around the incision
Taking it very very slow
Don't know when was the last time I rested this much or was this flat on my back
Will never look at labor pain the same again... Labor pain is for wimps... Two ruptured discs squishing (technical term) your sciatic nerve for 21 straight day is REAL pain!
Thank the Lord it is all over!
Sciatic pain GONE
Sore around the incision
Taking it very very slow
Don't know when was the last time I rested this much or was this flat on my back
Will never look at labor pain the same again... Labor pain is for wimps... Two ruptured discs squishing (technical term) your sciatic nerve for 21 straight day is REAL pain!
Thank the Lord it is all over!
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Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Surgery day.... relief is in sight
The doctor says I will wake up to complete pain relief.... Even after the drugs of surgery wear off!! Thank you Lord for relief after 22 days of the worst pain of my life.
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Monday, April 4, 2011
It's 3 am and I am up AGAIN
This has been a recurring event EVERY night for 20 nights now. My pain medication wears off and my body wakes me every so rudely to remind me that I am in need of another dose. The position of lying down has been the most excruciatingly painful and yet ironically the one I most desperately want to be in when night comes. It is a horrible feeling to be so incredibly tired yet when you lie down to rest your body screams in pain. This is why I am so grateful for modern medicine and in particular pain medicine. I have no idea how I would have survived the past three weeks without it.
I am beyond grateful that in about 27 hours I will be headed to the hospital to get my back fixed. If you had told me three wees ago that this situation would end in surgery I would not have not believed you even for a second. However, it is reality and honestly, I can't wait to get there and get it done. The fact that my pain will be relieved the second they get the disc off the nerve is just about the most amazing thing to me right now. This pain is like NOTHING I have ever experienced and hope to never experience again. It is like labor pain in my lower back and down my leg.... but labor pain that NEVER quits and has not amazing reward like a precious baby to hold in the end.
That is enough of my complaining though.... I must say again how incredibly amazing everyone in my life has been these three week. My sweet mother in law has spent countless hours playing with the children giving me a break to rest physically and mentally. She has done dishes, gotten children ready for bed and helped with keeping the house straight. My mother has been here at my house EVERY DAY for the last three weeks doing something... whether it be taking me to doctor appointments or doing dishes or doing mound after mound of laundry...she has done it all. Both my mom and mom in law have served our families with such joy and selflessness! We are blessed!
My dad even mowed our yard and has spent lots of time playing with and helping out with the children!
Of everyone though, my rock has been Jimmy! He has supported me in more ways these three weeks than I ever thought possible by one human. He has been 100% mommy and daddy to the children, done dishes, done laundry, kept the house clean, cooked amazing meals, grocery shopped, not to mention working his regular job. He has done all of this with incredible kindness, never once making me feel like I am a burden or that he is annoyed with the workload. I have so much to learn from his attitude.
Most of all though is the emotional support he has given me during this time. He has held me when the pain has been so bad in the middle of the night that I can't do anything but cry. He has spoken so many encouraging words over me that have helped me get through another day. Like I said before, he has never even once made me feel like a burden... in fact he has done it all with joy and incredible kindness. I already know Jimmy is an amazing person but these three weeks have really shown me how much selfless love he truly has for me. I know these three weeks have brought the two of us closer together than ever before!
I am amazingly blessed!!
I am beyond grateful that in about 27 hours I will be headed to the hospital to get my back fixed. If you had told me three wees ago that this situation would end in surgery I would not have not believed you even for a second. However, it is reality and honestly, I can't wait to get there and get it done. The fact that my pain will be relieved the second they get the disc off the nerve is just about the most amazing thing to me right now. This pain is like NOTHING I have ever experienced and hope to never experience again. It is like labor pain in my lower back and down my leg.... but labor pain that NEVER quits and has not amazing reward like a precious baby to hold in the end.
That is enough of my complaining though.... I must say again how incredibly amazing everyone in my life has been these three week. My sweet mother in law has spent countless hours playing with the children giving me a break to rest physically and mentally. She has done dishes, gotten children ready for bed and helped with keeping the house straight. My mother has been here at my house EVERY DAY for the last three weeks doing something... whether it be taking me to doctor appointments or doing dishes or doing mound after mound of laundry...she has done it all. Both my mom and mom in law have served our families with such joy and selflessness! We are blessed!
My dad even mowed our yard and has spent lots of time playing with and helping out with the children!
Of everyone though, my rock has been Jimmy! He has supported me in more ways these three weeks than I ever thought possible by one human. He has been 100% mommy and daddy to the children, done dishes, done laundry, kept the house clean, cooked amazing meals, grocery shopped, not to mention working his regular job. He has done all of this with incredible kindness, never once making me feel like I am a burden or that he is annoyed with the workload. I have so much to learn from his attitude.
Most of all though is the emotional support he has given me during this time. He has held me when the pain has been so bad in the middle of the night that I can't do anything but cry. He has spoken so many encouraging words over me that have helped me get through another day. Like I said before, he has never even once made me feel like a burden... in fact he has done it all with joy and incredible kindness. I already know Jimmy is an amazing person but these three weeks have really shown me how much selfless love he truly has for me. I know these three weeks have brought the two of us closer together than ever before!
I am amazingly blessed!!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Watching golf
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